Friday, December 18, 2009

Lord Asriel is the Greatest Character in the History of Ever

I think the title sums this up nicely. Let's think about it.

The guy totally wins Dad of the Century by making sure his daughter grows up in a place that can enrich her intellectually and adventurously, away from the dangerous shit he was getting in. He then totally includes her in a secret spy mission after drinking the poisoned Tokay anyway just to prove how awesome he is and how tasty it is, before smacking up the Master and telling him to give her the alethiometer so she can go off and play with it. After that he bitchslaps the bear king, sets up a castle up north with a scientific lab so that he can do whatever he wants, and then murders a little kid so that he can rip a hole in the universe. I mean, yeah, I'm against child murder as much as the next guy, but Asriel rips a hole in the universe. Literally, he rips the space-time continuum a new one. Awesome.

After that, he walks into a room full of angels, finds the biggest one, and says, "You'll be taking orders from me now." He then makes a chair made out of the hides of anyone who gives him any sass, creates a fortress just by thinking about it and lifting his eyebrow, and wages war against God. Let me restate that: he wages war. Against God. Like physical war.

And then he lets Mrs. Coulter go, because he figures she's silly and a woman and can't really affect anything anyway, because he's Lord Asriel and is like taking the most badass genes from Chuck Norris and Jesus Christ Himself, then combining those with pure concentrated badass. He then smacks the Metatron, who is basically God now anyway, and jumps into an abyss while holding Metatron's legs, howling like a wild man. Mrs. Coulter jumps in there too, just because she can't be away from Asriel.

The book says that Lord Asriel died here, but clearly what happened is that he met the REAL God, the one behind the scenes just watching it happening. And Asriel said to God, "You're sitting in my chair."

And then Asriel was God. And all was right in the universe.

Oh, and some of that may or may not have happened behind the scenes. But it happened.

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